I have found myself to be very contemplative as of recent. Taking time and contemplating truly shows you that your sin is ever before you. I truly desire perfection and to be holy as Christ is holy, but constantly see just how short I fall.
I feel like contemplating is good, but then you want an outlet to process those contemplations. Really you could talk people’s ears off, but that’s not necessary either. I figured the best thing to do would just be to write. In my soul I am struggling with many things. Not in a bad way, but in a way that I am looking for truth and clarity from God and from scripture. Here is just a series of thoughts I am having and wrestling with and that I don’t yet know the answers to and maybe never will.
- What to do and What not to do and balancing life. Isn’t this something every human being struggles with? Last year we did a home school co-op and I loved the women and my kids enjoyed it for the most part, but 3/4 of the way through the year we dropped out. One main reason being that for my husband it made the most sense to switch his day off to Monday, which was the day of the co-op. Another honest reason was just the fact that it was purely exhausting. We would go all morning get home at 1:00 and everyone would melt down and my nerves were completely shot. I love people, but for some reason being around them exhausts me. I find myself this way after church as well or after having a long conversation with a friend; I love every minute of it but afterwards I feel like I need to retreat for a few hours, but with four small children this is not possible and so then I have trouble being patient with them, so then you wonder if the co-op or the long visit with your friend was worth it.
So anyways now I am at a point that I can feel too excluded. I know the co-op wasn’t for us this year and probably not next year, but I think I do need a little more human interaction in my life, so then I wonder what is the appropriate outlet for that. Also how much do you let things go at home? For example the one day we went out this week for an afternoon I came home to a mound of laundry and asked my husband to pick up pizza from Aldi. I really know I wouldn’t want to continually leave unfolded laundry on the coach every night and resort to eating convenience food. So yes, this is one area of contemplation and confession. How much order do I give up for the sake of community and how much of God’s grace can help me overcome my extreme need to retreat?
- Confession number 2. I can be highly critical of my husband. I think a thing about being a homeschool mom is that you deeply desire the whole atmosphere of your home to be one that contributes to education. I truly believe that even our leisure should be used for growth. In our leisure we have so many options as opposed to passively being entertained. We could paint, read, go for a walk, sing, read poetry, have imaginative play, read the Bible. So because of these thoughts I find myself condemning my husband at any form of entertainment he puts in front of the children because I believe there is something more redemptive we could be doing with our time.
I need to give up control. I don’t want to be the wife that proverbs talks about; the one that it would be better to live on the roof then in the home with her. I want to give my husband the freedom to be who he is within our home and not have to live up to my ideal standards. My husband loves our children and cares greatly for our family and does care about the education of our children. When I look at my husbands heart toward Jesus and our family, it is beautiful; so God help me from becoming the educational legalist.
- Last confession: I am not sure I am making good use of my “talents”. I am thinking of the parable that Jesus gives. He has given us all talents that we are to multiply and my fear is; am I multiplying my talents? I have no doubt that I am to be home with my children and pouring into them, but is there more I can be doing? I am asking Jesus to put people in my path to minister to, but the truth is I am not sure who I am ministering to right now outside of my family. Then I ask myself, is my heart hard? Am I not willing to do hard things? I am not sure what the answer is.
My husband is beginning assesed to plant a church and I am genuinely excited for him, but shouldn’t I be excited personally? I honestly can doubt my ability to reach anyone for the Gospel. I am not in continual contact with any unbelievers except some Orthodox Jewish women from my sons speech. These are lovely women to talk to; they love their children and manage their households well and have a wealth of wisdom. They know I am a Christian, but I have yet to share the Gospel. Sharing the Gospel with them is the same things as asking them to die to all their family relations, that is very weighty. I continually pray that God will bring it up in conversation or they will ask me what I believe, but that doesn’t happen. I am guessing this may be another confession in itself. Should I just boldly speak up and share it?
- Also, should I be looking for a way to be more industrious to make more money? My husband would love to go back to school and I know he would thrive getting his masters and would use it in amazing ways and I could see him teaching. Him going back to school would require debt, which we can’t afford, we can’t afford debt payments. Should I find a way to make money? I see how industrious the proverbs 31 women is, where is my industrious spirit?
Romans 7:24-25 ” Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin.”
O how thankful I am for the eternal security I have in Christ. My sin is ever before me and I am so far from the perfection of fully loving good and serving Him in the way that He is worthy of.
Continue to sanctify me. May I become less and may you become more. I am so unworthy, yet you have chosen me. Lord, may my life be consecrated unto you and used for your glory. I am deep need of your grace and Spirit to fulfill all that you desire for my life. My Spirit is willing, but my flesh is weak.
In Christ’s Name,